I had always assumed that I was the one sibling who had avoided inheriting the “one-track mind”. Both my brothers are remarkably skilled at it – one refuses to segue at all, and the other can leave one thread of conversation for hours and jump right back into it as if the other topics had never even happened.
I, on the other hand, can flow from topic to topic, going back to topics past or leaving them there to die if the new stuff trumps it on the scale of interesting.
However, I’m beginning to think that my one-track tendencies have merely been lying in wait, hidden in my actions, rather than my conversational skills.
I’m now at a very uncomfortable place in my therapy, you see. Prior to this, it’s been all theoretic and pattern-drawing and new things to think about. Helpful, but not Earth-shattering. But I’m now at the place where, as my great-grandmother would have charmingly phrased it, I need to “shit or get off the pot.”
More esoterically, Camus tells us that “Insight without action is worthless”. That makes a lot of sense to me. Unfortunately, I’m good at the insight, but not so much in the action department.
Worse than that, I seem to live in a place where my logic and my emotions are completely separate. I’ll feel something and not be able to really pinpoint why – like crying when discussing something personal, even if I don’t really find the subject painful. Or worse, discussing something that I should be sensitive about and feeling nothing.
Since emotions are always a stronger driver than logic (“I want” vs. “I should”), what I know I should do and what I actually do . . . well, they don’t always coincide.
Long story short, I have to figure out how to get these two trains of thought to share a track. Because, for some reason, I can’t marry them. I can think one way, then I can think the other – I can’t apply one to the next.
I’ve been learning about mindfulness lately, the act of being in the moment, rather than stepping back and evaluating it, or getting lost on another train – firing off synapses and going with them. Which is good. It makes sense. What DOESN’T make sense to me is the fact that analysis never seems to play into this theory. I don’t get it.
While I believe Camus’ words, I also believe the Socratic thinking of “an unexamined life is not worth living”. If you’re always living in the moment, how do you keep tabs on where you are . . . where you’re going? Do you just drift through life? Can I possibly live like that?
I don’t know the answer to that, and there are many questions to come. Like I said – it’s uncomfortable.
I know there’s a lot that I can improve upon. I feel that I’m already pretty damn good as I am. Maybe that’s the first step – understanding that these two are not mutually exclusive.
To be continued . . .